Apr 13 2007
What happened to my Brady Bunch world?
I was a blessed child–I know that. I lived I guess in a fantasy world. My parents have been married to each other for over 45 years. They are still serving God in fact their ministry is probably stronger today than it ever has been. In fact last week they did a marriage seminar in Virginia and 23 people made decisions to follow Christ. Over 50 couples recommitted their marriages.
When I was growing up in Tuscaloosa, AL in the 1970’s all of my friends liked coming over to my house. We weren’t rich in terms of money by any means but we were rich in love. I don’t mean that to sound corny but it is true. Many of my friends lived in highly dysfunctional homes and coming over to our house was a safe harbor. Many of my friends referred to my mom and dad as Mama Bussey and Papa Bussey.
I never realized how blessed I was. My father came from a highly dysfunctional home. His dad was an alcoholic. I found out recently that my mom’s family was not what I had grown up to believe. It is amazing that we grew up in a “Brady Bunch” world.
I didn’t really start understanding dysfunction until I got married. My wife grew up in a single parent home. Her dad was an alcoholic and lets just say she grew up in a verbally abusive home. Don’t ever think that children just get over the pain of their childhood. I don’t think it ever goes away.
In my ministry I encounter dysfunction on a regular basis. I think my life was the exception rather than the rule. I have been reading books and conversing with people in recent months that give me a picture of childhood I could never imagine.
What happened to my Brady Bunch world?
I really don’t think it ever existed. I was just blessed. But why me? Why didn’t I encounter the pain that Cassandra and my friends did? Why was I spared the pain of divorce? Why was I not abused? I realize I was blessed and I am thankful But when I hear stories of pain and heartache I don’t know what to day. It is sobering. It is disheartening. It is discouraging. But it is life!
I don’t think it is the way God planned it. I think it all went downhill in the Garden of Eden. But I also think it can be better. I know it was for me. There is hope. I believe God wants us to strive for more. I don’t have all of the answers. In fact I have a lot of questions.
What do you think?
35 responses so far
Kevin -
Even the Brady Bunch was the coming together of two families, so there was divorce implied there too (although they never really said … could have been widow and widower, I don’t think the show ever really mentioned it). However, I do get your point. I was little Cindy with the curls in that world.
My parents were married until the time of my mother’s death two years ago. 35 years total. It wasn’t until I was in my 20s that I realized that life wasn’t as perfect as I supposed it to be, but like you I also grew up in a safe and protected environment. My friends thought my parents were the nice parents too. So I understand where you are coming from.
As I think about this question of “why me?” it doesn’t discourage me, but rather brings me to a point of great humility to realize that I was so blessed by God in my childhood. It compels me to honor the intention God has for my life and to seek specifically the purpose God had for protecting me. Perhaps you and I are the ones who can bring hope to the disheartened who can’t believe it can ever get better. We are the ones who can stand and speak for all the children to tell what a life of love and caring can mean for a child, to inspire others to try to solve the problems of abuse in our world.
God was incredibly merciful to us in our childhood, may we not feel guilty for the blessing, or somehow believe we had merited such, absolutely not, rather we should just be thankful and send all the glory to God, and do what we can to help all the little ones living today see the blessing we know had such a powerful impact for good upon our younger years.
I have to say I love that in that picture, it looks like Carol is yelling at someone!!
I, too, was blessed with a wonderful childhood. Although my parents aren’t strong believers, they at least, took us to church. My childhood was full of vacations, happy times, all of that.
I know I don’t deserve it. I’m not sure how or why I was in this situation. But I am thankful!!
You know it didn’t hit me until my adult years that the Brady Bunch was a blended family.
A couple weeks ago my 4 siblings and I had the privilege of buying sunday brunch for our parents for their 35th anniversary. I can relate to what Kevin is saying but I believe the appropriate response is to give back to others, rather than question or feel guilt over the gifts that God has given us.
Yesterday Phil made some excellent suggestions in his comment on how to give back to others. My last comment on this blog was a bit reactionary and missed the point of Kevin’s post which was more positively oriented. I didn’t mean to make people cringe by going against the grain of his post! CBB
Dorcas,
I’m not discouraged about my life. I just get overwhelmed when I read about other lives. The book the publishers sent me called “Unbroken” is powerful. I get emails and have been ministering to families for years that live difficult lives. It is very overwhelming.
Kevin,
I too come from a blessed, wonderful family. My parents will celebrate their fortieth wedding anniversary this Fall. I see and hear the struggles of so many and I wonder about my own blessedness. Why am I so fortunate to be in this family?
What I have tried to do is to consider myself the man given five talents by the Master. I haven’t had to deal with much garbage from childhood. With that gift, I have a great responsibility.
Great Post!!
i met a girl today who is in the 8th grade. She has a one year old! I have a friend whose mom has many (moral) issues and has many times verbally and physically abused him. His dad has remarried and has huge struggles with alcohol and is also very abusive. I think it amazes me that so often we unconsciously think of the “Brady Bunch World” as the norm and everyone else just becomes sad stories. But once we begin to look around and focus on peoples lives, we uncover alot of hurting individuals searching for hope in their “wrecked” world. And even the “Brady Bunch World” begins to have pain and dysfunction. Because even the “perfect family” has painful stuff- they can just hide it better.
Kevin:
The short answer is that the Brady Bunch world exists today, as it did back then, the only place it ever existed at all. On TV.
The difference is: it’s re-runs, now.
We are all blessed for one reason: to bring glory to God by being a blessing to others. Just as, and for the same reason as, Abraham was blessed in Genesis 12, so are we. We are given to so that we might give. We will have as much as we give. Let others know what it was that held your family together and be real about where you fell short and where God never did.
RE-RUNS…. I like that…
For the past several years my family has been a “blended” family. Something else I have in common with the Brady’s was Mr. Brady was an Architect: I am an Engineer and am always drawing plans and visitng job-sites. My wife and I were previously married and had kids when both of us wound up suddenly single. When we met, and then got married, it was under about the best possible of circumstances. We have a big house. Our kids formed a band several years ago….looking back at it, it’s quite funny. Marsha…. I mean Niki and Thomas are the oldest kids. We even have our very own Alice…well Sue… who is my wife’s widowed mother that came to live with us.
Still we’re not exactly a perfect American family like the Brady Bunch. I thank God we’re not the Osbournes either.
In Christ
Andrew \o/
Titus 2:13
I am also really blessed to have wonderful parents who are still in love with one another after nearly 34 years of marriage. I’m convinced that God wants those of us whose lives were filled with love to share our love with those who weren’t as lucky. Having learned what healthy relationships look like, it’s my responsibility to demonstrate that to friends, colleagues, and students.
I’ve come to a point in life where I think there’s value in the questions. Life is messy. The guy who played Mr. Brady died of AIDS. Something I have found really valuable on this count over the years is an article by the late Browning Ware. I posted it here (scroll down to the end of the post) last year. It helps me to remember that no matter how many questions I have, God is with me, and that’s more important than anything else.
Oops, I messed up the link. It’s here: http://texasinafrica.blogspot.com/2006/01/you-aint-afraid-if-youre-washed-in.html
Mike,
Thanks for your comment. You have a great boss.
I grew up in Washington DC in the 50’s and 60’s, so I always saw the Brady Bunch as the suburban bunch. When I graduated from hs in ‘69, my parents were the only family in the neighborhood who were still together. They gave a great and godly heritage for which I will always be thankful. When we were inside the walls of our home, they insulated me. But not when I walked out.
In some ways, I envy the brady bunch kind of neighborhood, but from a ministry perspective I saw almost every kind of family issue in my neighborhood while growing up, so very little surprises me now.
I saw The Brady Bunch but once and almost lost my lunch. How sickeningly cutesy! How totally unreal! And those 70s clothes- totally unforgivable!
Evidently, the crew of our satirical series, “Fast Forward”, felt the same way, because they lampooned the Brady (ugh) Family without pity. It was a show which simply begged to have the stuffing kicked out of it.
Kevin, I grew up in a domestic war zone and could tell you stories that would turn your hair white. I’ve often wondered how I would’ve turned out had things been different. Be that as it may, my early years were so traumatic that I developed a very black sense of humour to cope. I also learned to read danger signals with some acuity! It taught me how NOT to live. It taught me what sort of man NEVER to marry. For that, I’m thankful. I have high delta brain wave activity, and my neuropsychologist tells me that ALL abused children have to develop delta brain waves to enable them to survive in an environment which is not even remotely child -friendly. It’s served me well when travelling overseas and entering unfamiliar territory. If my gut feeling tells me not to enter an area, I won’t.
I believe that you’re 100% correct- we abused children never can quite get over our early years. I once had a cat which some heartless creature had tortured, and its reactions were remarkably similar to what mine had been when young. I know what Cassandra went through!
As you know, I was in the police force- my experiences enabled me to deal empathetically effectively with people in the same situation, so that was an advantage.
I have known only 2 people who grew up in an idyllic world- and neither of them was very interesting. Pleasant, yes, but with very little personality. Put it this way, you would never approach them for a problem-solving corroboree, because they wouldn’t have a clue what you were talking about.
Perhaps dysfuntionalism can be a blessing in disguise?
I stumbled across your site. It’s interesting reading your posts and then people’s reactions to them. Anyway, its cheap entertainment.
My theory in life, since my family was really dysfunctional (mom and dad both married 3 times, dad was an alcoholic and in and out of jail, blah blah blah) is that everyone’s family is dysfunctional. Some people just admit it and others don’t. So even if your family was married forever and happy, I’m sure they still had their little moments of insanity. Maybe they tried to keep up the “I am always happy” face even when their were some hard times. Thats not normal. Ok, so some families are worse off than others. The point is … well what is the point? Be grateful. Give thanks to God for it. Don’t feel so special…maybe God will use us dysfunctional people for a bigger purpose while you “perfect” people will sit in the background scratching your heads.
Welcome to the club, Michelle!
Francoise,
When we can look back at our pain and realize, what a gift it truly has been to us…. either we’re nuts or ….we’ve finally “gotten-it.”
Dozer -Quite a few people have told me that I’m nuts. I couldn’t care less.
What does “gotten-it” mean? I’m not familiar with what sounds like an Americanism.
Kevin,
I’ll go ahead and confess:
I’ve known some tremendous pain in my life…but I’ve also know a faithful God who would see me through the pain. And the key word is “through.” He never brought me around it, or over it, or under it. He always brought me “through” it.
One of the grand, grand hymns in the English language puts it like this:
Some through the water
Some through the flood
Some through the fire,
But all through the Blood!
Some through great sorrow
But God gives a song,
In the night season
And all the day long.
I wouldn’t be where I am today in the Lord, if it had not been for that promise of God’s song…in those lonely, painful “night seasons” of life. I only wish that I had the space and time to share the horrible pains, but God continues to see me “through.”
I praise His holy name!
Michelle,
Thanks for coming by. I do agree that every family has a measure of dysfunction. We weren’t perfect by any means. I was just talking about some of the horrible things that people have been through. I had a private e-mail sent to me by a reader who went through unspeakable pain.
Phil,
Thanks for sharing your heart.
I think that a dysfuntional family just wasn’t your test in life. We are all tested and trialed with different things. Family has always been my test and I think it is one of the hardest things to be tested with because it really it out of your control how other people are. However, I can only thank and praise God, because I have seen people tested much harsher.
I understand where you are coming from. My husband, his family is pretty odd. I mean, from the outside, the parents were married for 30 years (up until 2 years ago when my mother in law died) and they had 6 kids. But when you looked closer, their family, although fairly close knit, they are just weird. The oldest brother is a drug addict. He has 2 kids from 2 different girls and he lives with a crank addict with their daughter who is 4 and everytime I’ve gone over there or called there, she is roaming around all by herself. Then my hubby was 2nd, and he is the most normal out of all of them. The 4 other boys have no ambition in life except to get rich quick and to have sex. It’s sad. Anyway, my point being that they say their family isn’t dysfunctional and then they say mine is, and I’m like “yes, we sure are!” It’s not that I’m proud, but I’m not going to hide it and lie about it. But yes, terrible things happen to people and we don’t know why.
My brother comitted suicide when I was 17. He was my triplet. A few years before that my alcoholic dad died of lung cancer. My mom was on a religious trip. She basically just smiled through all the pain. After all of this, I was kind of a mess when I hit age 18. Someone gave me a book called “When God doesn’t make sense”. I think Dobson wrote it, but don’t quote me on that one. It made things really clear, that we aren’t ever going to know why, but God says to rejoice in our pain because He is building us up. I know to outsiders, that sounds incredibly unproductive–but for me it helped. Knowing God was doing a work in me. Even though I had to suffer, look at how much more Christ suffered. I’m certainly not downplaying abuse in any way. Just saying that God sees it all. He knows it all. He is our ultimate comforter and the One who will turn that horrible thing into something great, if we let Him.
God bless,
Michelle
Oh and also, having a family that isn’t majorly dysfunctional is a major blessing these days. You are not in the norm. Be blessed..what a testimony of God’s great protection!
Michelle
Phil, thanks for sharing that hymn. It was my grandfather’s favorite. He survived the Great Depression, yet still managed to succeed and raise a strong family. He dealt with an amputation later in life. Every time I hear the hymn, I think of his funeral and of the great example he gave us in living in the knowledge that no matter how bad things are, God carries us through.
Texinafrica, if you’re interested in the Great Depression, I recommend that you read “The Worst Hard Time” about the suffering of poor Americans in the dustbowl years during the 1930s. Wonderfully written, but so heart-wrenching that you’ll probably need to put it down after each chapter. An amazing example of just how tough and determined we humans can be.
Those years were hard in Australia, too, but nothing even remotely like the hardships endured by the USA’s poor.
Michelle, I understand exactly where you’re coming from, except that I haven’t experienced the horror of a sibling’s suicide. I have had friends who killed themselves, and it took years for me to recover from that, so I can only try to imagine what losing a brother that way would be like.
I read a rabbi’s book, “When Bad Things Happen to Good People”. Can’t recall the author’s name, but it’s worth a look. Basically, he concludes that “God” failed to make a perfect world, and it is we who have to forgive Him for that faiure. Interesting viewpoint, no?
I was adopted, and I got a “Brady Bunch family.” After having spoken to my birth mother, and knowing the circumstances into which I was born, and would have lived, I can only thank God that my parents, all of them, made the choices that they did. Of course, it wasn’t a perfect life, but I have a pretty good idea what I missed out on.
“When Bad Things Happen to Good Peopleâ has a provocative theme, but it is rather un-Biblical. I prefer one of the themes of the Bible which is that God is not indifferent to suffering and will ultimately redeem it all and comfort us if we let him. Jesus endured all manner of suffering, and He was God in human flesh.
Well, Neil, you culd hardly expect a rabbi to agree with your last sentence, now, could you?
I always get the impression in the Bible that God enjoys human pain and suffering.
Well, Neil, you culd hardly expect a rabbi to agree with your last sentence, now, could you?
or a Muslim!
Touche’ on the Rabbi / Bible comment . . . sort of. I wouldn’t expect the Rabbi to follow the NT, or a Muslim to follow any of it. But the Rabbi sure should have known the Old Testament, and his take on God and suffering is completely man-made. People are free to take or leave Biblical teachings, but if someone holds themselves out as a representative of a faith a little intellectual honest is always welecomed.
Au contraire, Neil. Muslims emphatically believe in the historical existence of Jesus and his virgin birth.
Maybe said Rabbi was “Liberal”?
Just thinking about the horrible tragedy at Virginia Polytechnical University, I am reminded that Jesus said we would have sorrow and pain in this world. And as horrible and tremendously painful all of these “sorrows” are, they are only temporary. But sadly that “temporary” lasts a very, very long time.
But we know that Heaven awaits. And we can then say, as did the Apostle Paul, “these light afflictions…”
Kevin, you are loved and beloved, my brother!
Thank you for sharing your heart and your life with all of us. I have been tremendously enriched here.
I loved the “Brady Bunch” when I saw it on the TV repeats, back in the 1980s. I think the show jumped the shark when the character Cousin Oliver was introduced, though. But it was still a good show, definitely a family favourite.