Apr 05 2007
Love?
This morning I was reading a book by John Shore called I’m OK-You’re Not. I was enjoying it and just breezing through until I read chapter 4–”What’s Love Got to do with it?”
I was hit by a ton of bricks by his story. His parents divorced him when he was 8 years old and didn’t see his dad for 2 years until one night his mom bolted and his dad showed back into his life with a new wife. His step-mom said she didn’t love John or his sister and only wanted to have his dad and their home. Ouch!
Then he said these quotes:
“Love is always suspect and absolutely conditional”
“And in` real, practical terms, what that always boils down to is that most of us don’t feel very lovable at all.”
This week has been an emotional week. I was in Starbucks studying this morning for our Maundy Thursday Service we are having tonight. When I think about the pain Jesus endured it is unthinkable. While I was studying four Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police officers walked in with a black stripe across their badges.
Two of our finest were murdered this week and today is the funeral for one of them. I walked up to the four officers and thanked them for what they do. I said I know you don’t hear that enough and I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t know why but I got very emotional.
This past week two regular posters on this site who are not believers decided to stop posting. I’ve emailed them both but they don’t feel welcome anymore. I’m truly sick about this. I valued their opinions even-though we didn’t see eye to eye. I’m sorry for any pain they may have felt. One emailed a picture to me I believe to shock me. I wasn’t offended at all. I realize that he was hurt and was trying to hurt back. I’m sorry. I truly do love them. Maybe I need to learn a better way of expressing that love.
I have been very fortunate. I still have both of my Godly and loving parents living. They only live an hour and a half away. Sometimes I don’t understand the pain of other people. I’m sure I take that for granted sometimes. My wife, Cassandra lived in a dysfunctional home and she made comments to me similar to John’s above. I can’t imagine living life without feeling loved.
I’m sorry for the pain that many people experience. I’m trying to be more understanding. I hope it makes me a better Christ-follower, husband, father, son, brother, friend, neighbor and minister.
I know this is a ramble but I’m really trying to figure out how to love those who feel unlovable. Please believe me that I care –but I’m still learning.
What do you think?
17 responses so far
Hey, Kevin. (Um … it’s me, the guy who wrote “I’m OK–You’re Not.”) What a gut-wrenching post. Bless you for it. The question of how, really, to love nonbelievers is THE very question that fuels “I’m OK.” It’s the question I think this book (finally, if I can say it–and by that I mean fully and absolutely) answers that exact, specific, fairly complex question.
This’ll sound insanely self-serving, but I’m not sure I’ve ever wanted anyone to read anything I’ve ever written as much as I want you to finishish reading “I’m OK.” It’s obnoxiously pretentious to say, but, unless I’m entirely missing something, that book actually ANSWERS the question you’re asking. It is, I believe, THE question all we Christians should be asking.
” … the question I think this book (finally, if I can say itâand by that I mean fully and absolutely) answers that exact, specific, fairly complex question.”
Um. Yeah. Hard to believe I make a living WRITING, isn’t it?
Sorry. Brain skip. Meant (obviously): “…the question I think this book (finally, if I can say itâand by that I mean fully and absolutely) answers.”
Actually, now that I’m looking at it, my whole post looks awfully … well, like it was written in the 2.1 seconds it was. But you see what I’m saying. You asked such a great question; I believe you asked THE question. You definitely asked the question I wrote that book to answer.
John,
Thanks for sharing. I plan to finish. I can’t explain what happened today. This chapter just hit me hard. I thought of my wife. I also saw those police officers and thought about the two who were murdered and thought about their wives and kids.
I just got back from the funeral procession which was a few blocks from our church. It was extremely emotional. I will share about it tomorrow with some pictures. Then I went to see a beautiful lady who is very near the end. Her family has been very dear to my family. The hurt in their eyes made me hurt.
And tonight I have to do a depressing Maundy Thursday service. I see how Jesus wept with Lazarus. I just hope I can get out of the way and let God take over.
Whew!
Our noon Holy Week service today was about how it’s important to not skip over the pain of Maundy Thursday - that there’s something to be learned from the pain of asking God why, and from asking if things really have to be this way, and from the fear of being stuck in such a place. Maybe there’s something to the knowledge that even though your capacity to love is not yet perfect, God’s love is all-sufficient, even when it’s a tough week.
All love and support, Kevin. This is the time (of course–and rightly so, of course) when it most hurts to be a Christian. I don’t think what hurt Christ most was his breaking body (as horrible as that was). I think what hurt him most was his breaking heart. It’s a painful kind of association, but let’s face it: You, in your deep emotional pain, are perfectly reflecting what Christ was feeling during his awful pain.
So often, it seems to me, we imagine Christianity as a way to make us be happy and healthy and whole. And it surely is that. But it’s also–and I think maybe even most importantly–the way to most fully bring home to us the nature and reality of sheer, unutterable pain.
Sun’s coming, of course. Some mighty dark clouds before that, though.
John,
I want to read that book…I’ll even write a review for you if you’d like.
I grew up without parents.
Both of them abandoned each other when I was about 6 months old, or so, and then they abandoned me.
I really never knew parental love…and yes, my stepmother (whom I now adore, and she adores me) hated me until I was in my late teens. We are now great friends.
God had to clearly speak to me when I was a senior in College and tell me that HE is nothing like my earthly father…He is far, far superior, and that HE loves me with an everlasting love, regardless of how I feel about myself.
I still deal with issues of being “abandoned”…but I know that Christ suffered even for that…
I want to read your book, John.
Kevin, thank you for your wonderful, thought-provoking, and gut-wrenching post.
Manifold blessings on you.
Kevin,
I will pray for you tonight, as I hold vigil before the Blessed Sacrament. This is the night for pain. The Gospel does not take away hurt, disappointment, but it does take away the power of Death.
You have posted yet another amazingly intimate and powerful posting, how appropriate that it would be tonight, where naked emotions touch the naked flesh of our feet as we wash them in fulfillment of the Lord’s command.
Kevin…
I’m reading John’s book as well, and found myself touched pretty deeply by that chapter too. If we’re all honest with ourselves, we all want to be able to give and receive love, yet we’ve all been wounded at some point and now find ourselves either incapable (or maybe simply unwilling) to love as God intended for us to. “Survival Mode”, as John describes in his book, is where most of us prefer to live, even if our scars are relatively insignificant. Sadly, we stay in our safe, sheltered place… afraid to be vulnerable… afraid to open our hearts and really love… and really live.
What’s worse? We do this not just in relation to other people, but even to God, who loves us perfectly… even when we have the knowledge that He’ll never lead us astray by anything He asks… even though we know that everything He desires for us is good… even when we know that we’ll experience the fullness of His love in following. It’s crazy… we remain paralyzed by fear in spite of everything we know… we find ourselves unwilling to love and trust Him to the extent necessary to follow.
We’re cracked pots, without a doubt.
Easter makes it hit home even harder. To reflect on the fact that God loved me enough to give His son for me… that Jesus loved me enough to willingly bear the burden of the cross… that He allowed Himself to be rejected, beaten, suffer, bleed, be cursed and spit upon… and die… for me. And to see myself… how horrible, how disgusting, how unworthy I am to receive that kind of love… and to think about how poorly I return it? It’s pretty close to unbearable to think about.
Praise God that we don’t have to be worthy to receive His love, and that He specializes in doing amazing things using broken people!
John…
Again, thanks for writing this book. As I shared with you yesterday, I’ve loved every bit of it.
I entered the blog world about a year ago as a “reader”. I feel like I have a whole new family. You are one of my family. I am 62 and old enough to be your Father, but even though we have never met I love you like a brother.
I know you because you have been “real” in your writings. I have been drawn
to you partially because I served on staff at Mulberry for 10 years during the
70’s and early 80’s. We tried so very hard to be authentic followers of Christ and to lead the church to be “real”.
I want you to know that I am moved by this post. I am broken hearted that
two bloggers have dropped out. These are special people that have a spot
in God’s heart. And if in God’s heart…..my heart. I am praying that God will
give us another chance. Not with just these two, but with countless others
that we have failed to love appropriatley. It’s Friday….But Sunday is coming!
David Goggin
Amen to that last statement, David!
Phil and MIT,
Thanks for your kind words.
John,
I look forward to your review.
David,
Thanks for stopping by. Do you still live in the Charlotte area? Thanks for your kind words.
Kevin,
I just got back from my time at the Vigil. I wanted you to know that I lit a candle and prayed for you. God knows your heart, He will fill your spirit with what ever you may lack to reach others for Him. God bless and keep you.
Br. T
Kevin,
I am not familiar with John Shore or his book. But after reading his comments to your post I am sure going to get familiar with both.
I am familiar with you and that fact is one of the joys of my life. Keep sharing. You are doing us all more good than you will ever know.
I think one of these days your journey from “Pharisee” to “friend of sinners” will mightily advance God’s kingdom out there in Charlotte. Your heart is completely changing, dude! I’m really encouraged by your posture - expect something great on Sunday! CBB
Kevin,
You are a brother who “gets it.”
John Shore,
I’d love to spend a day or two with you just talking. Lately I’ve been enduring some pain in my life. God is so faithful.
In Christ,
Andrew \o/
Titus 2:13
Thanks Andrew,
I just prayed for you.
You do not know how much I need that today.
I laughed with my brother for a while this morning.
Do you know anything of the movie “The Anchorman” with Will Farrell? In one scene he’s trying to impress this lady. As she walks by the office, he’s pumping iron, and says, ‘Just working my guns baby.’
Today… I’ve been to the “gun show.”
One threatening situation grunts while ‘power flexing’ it’s muscles at me showing how big and bad it’s ‘guns’ are. Another is all oiled up and doing it’s best to look like The Incredible Hulk, all angry faced and mean. It’s like I have been at a spiritual Mr. Universe Competition, where all these powers are wanting to look all bad.
Off to the side, Jesus and I are doing our best ‘Hans and Franz’ laughing it up!
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 4:7,8&9 NIV